Friday, March 18, 2011

New Light

My hair is freshly dyed, my nails are painted red, and I have 200 dollars worth of new sexy lingerie in my closet. My sheets are washed, and all of our clothes have been laundered. Candles have been bought, the fridge has been stalked and all of my friends know that I am going Awol. In a little less than 24 hours I will see my husband again for the first time in 7 months. I am not one to talk to much about my husband. I try and keep what is between him and I private. Still, and maybe it is inappropriate to say here, but I am so very nervous to see him. Something has changed inside of me. A light has come on. The life that he and I shared seems so very far away.

Sunday will mark our anniversary, and the truth is that in the almost 4 years we have been together, he will have been gone for 3 of them. It all seems so surreal.  Still I have a found a light, a happiness that I didn't know could exist inside me day in and day out.  It doesn't come from a man, school, or family. It doesn't come from what other people think about me, or my physical appearance. It is just this strength, this feeling of self worth that has unfurled and become a part of me.  Life is good!

Truthfully I am incredibly scared. I know he is going to step off that plane and I will love him. Still in 2 weeks I will lose him again, and it is the most painful experience in the world to send someone you love to war over and over agin. I don't want to go back to that pain. I don't want to start over again.

Sometimes you just have to cling to the strength that you have found, and that courage that exists in loving someone. I just hope it will all be ok. I hope that the new people that we have become can love together in deeper more wonderful ways than we ever have.

oh well off to the gym for my second run of the day!

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