Monday, March 7, 2011

Its all about the yeses

When I was a little girl my father had a dirt bike. He would take me  and my brother for rides on it on the blm land behind our house.  My favorite picture of he and I,  is of me sitting up front on the bike with him as we are going down a hill.  I have this little girl white blonde hair, and a huge smile on my face. I remember when this picture was taken, and I kept saying to him "faster daddy faster".... I was fearless. I had no concept of pain, or loss. All I knew was I was with my daddy and he would protect me from anything and everything.

Somewhere along the way I lost that innocence, and I miss it. Now I think that my 20's have been about building self reliance, so that I can be just as confident in myself as I was in my father when I was 4 years old.  For me the way in which I do this is by facing my fears, my insecurities, and my doubts. Lately, I have been putting myself out their, both professionally and personally. I have been knocking on doors, and making phone calls that scare me.  And you know there is a lot of rejection out there. I mean there are some relationships that I will never ever be able to make right, there are some companies who I will never be able to coordinate with, and often my days seem of full of people saying no.  Still its all about the yeses. Those yeses are precious, and they make all of the rejection inadequate.

Me getting in the plane in Texas
 Last year my brother and I went sky diving.  I am deathly afraid of heights, but we did it. We jumped out a small little plane that looked like it was better suited for dusting crops then holding people. I mean the window of the door we went out of wouldn't close, and the whole plane felt like it would come apart....Lucky for us we had parachutes.  Anyways, I am deathly afraid of heights, but I jumped and my parachute opened. For a moment I was once again that fearless little girl who could do anything. I was really happy in that moment, and although my father was not there, my brother wrapped his arm around me and we shared in the exhilaration together.

Today I am going on a 5 mile run, and although it is not as extreme as sky diving, I feel empowered none the less by it. I think that everybody should do something like running, that helps them face their fears and weaknesses. I think everybody should have a practice that helps them build their confidence, and redefine themselves in terms that defy their fears and inequities. A small daily practice, that is both humble and yet difficult at the same time. 

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