All the different versions of me

I have been thinking about all of the women I have been. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually I have changed. Sometimes  I see pictures of myself, and I cannot remember what it was like to be that girl, in that time and place.

All of these people I have been are enigmatic to me. I can’t really remember what it felt like, sometimes it is even hard to connect to my emotions from that time, or why I felt the way I did in that place. It is hard to hold on to my identity. It is like I am a falling, changing chameleon. What can I say, I love the power, and escape of transformation.

Here is  all of the women I have been:

----High School …. I am 18 in the picture, blonde is my natural hair color. I don’t know how much I weighed… Truthfully if I had to guess I would say 165 to 170. I know that I stopped looking at the scale when I hit 165.  A month later my father had a stroke, and it was at that moment when my father who had defined me all of my life stopped telling me who I was, that I began to change

 I am 160 and 19 here….. Freshman year of college. I fell in love, lost my virginity, and had my first kiss. It was a magical time. It is also the only time in my life where I was ok with my body. I don’t know I was with a guy who I thought accepted me no matter what I looked like. After what happened between us, I don’t know if I will ever believe a man who says that to me. They do care. They really do. A lot. Whatever…..I love this girl, I sometimes wish I could go back to being her, busy with discovering the world, and awakening to all of the possibilities that the world held.

--- 20 years old. I am 170 here…….. What can I say, I was working in a restaurant making decadent foods and hadn’t worked out for 2 years. I held two other part time jobs, and was going to school full time.  This year I would balloon up to 185lbs. I was sad and miserable. The man I was with was going to break my heart.  I don’t have any pictures of that time at 185, but this is right before it all began to fall apart. What can I say I was lost.  I remember deleting all of the pics of myself because when I would smile you could see the fat in my face and the beginnings of a second chin.  This girl was madly in love, but had no self esteem. She was easily broken. Easily hurt, and vulnerable. I think all she wanted was to be loved, but what she needed was to love herself.  But damn was she a good cook!!!!

---21 years old…..The revenge diet. Everything had fallen apart, I had lost my boyfriend, my friends, my school, and 50lbs in 3 months …. I was diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist, I dropped out of school, and started working as a freelance photographer.  It was like photos became the only way in which I could feel the world, and imagine myself the way I wanted to be.  This is the unhealthiest I have ever been…. 135 lbs…. Ironically, the smaller I got the  larger I felt. This weight was not healthy because of the way in which it was achieved, but oh would it be nice to be 135 again.  I walked into  planned parenthood and they would not give me birth control because my blood pressure was so high and my heart rate was so fast.  That was the turning point. I put on weight, met my husband got my married, and began to heal.

--22 years old 155lbs…This picture was taken in Texas the summer before my husband's first deployment…I was back in college,I wasn’t exercising, but I was eating well. Life was good. I was happy. My body still bothered me, but every now and then I would walk outside and feel damn good in my dress and cowboy boots.

At the beginning of my journey

23-----160-165lbs My husband returned home from his first deployment in Iraq, and we moved to Colorado. I finished up my degree. Having to feed him  was hard on my diet. I began to get big again..... At this point……I began to workout….Something began to change. Something began to happen. I began to take control of my body…

AND ME TODAY

Honestly at my happiest
147lbs

I have found maturity, stability and independence. I do not define myself through the people in my life. I am healthy and emotionally sober!!!