341.2 Miles

Since starting this blog I have ran 341.2 miles.  In some ways I feel as though I have gone farther than this number, and at the same time I really can't believe that I have ran this many miles. I guess it is the part of me, the old part of me that dreaded running even a mile.  To tell you the truth I am a little disturbed at how much excercise I do, and how very little impact it seems to have on my appearance. That is not to say that I haven't physically changed, just that I can't see it.

My husband says that he can tell a difference but I don't know I would be more apt to believe my mother than my husband, he is so biased.I mean what better way to get a girl to take her clothes off than to tell her how good she looks without them on.  Hahaha (too much????)

Where is the transformation?????  To be kind I will say it is on the inside. To be human I will say damn't that is not really where I wanted to transform. How strange it is that we who own our bodies, and have taken agency over our physical selves, can be the least aware of how we change and grow.  Still I like the idea of excercise as this devotional act, like praying or meditating, that improves the self inside and out.





4/27/2011  341.2 miles

Summer Running Songs

Rainy Portland, Oregon is entering those brief golden months where there is sunlight and warmth in the air. Every day the weather is getting better.  Suddenly the music on my mp3 player seems a little drab and macabre. It is almost like I can hear the rain haunting me from the winter months. Running in the winter is about overcoming bad weather, the grey doldrums of snowy wet roads, and the never ending treadmill miles.  It only makes sense that the music that gets you through the winter reflects perseverance through hardship.

Running in the summer is different. It is warm, and light. I love being outside in my tennis shoes and my sports bra, feeling the sun on my back and the light on my face. It is an incredible feeling to be a part of the world in a very primitive and immediate manner. Summer running requires a different type of music, music that reflects the sunlight glinting off of my sunglasses.

Listening to music at the SE Grind, Portland OR

This summer I am looking for music that makes me feel happy and light. All winter long I have been working hard, lifting weights, and sweating it out. Now I want to enjoy that hard work, and listen to music that reinforces feeling sexy, tan, and powerful.

So here is my summer running playlist for 2011:

1. Pumped Up Kicks -----Foster the People

2. Halcyon --- Chicane Under the Sun
3. No Woman No Cry ---- Bob Marley
4. Sweet Dreams --- Eurhythmics
5. Save Tonight---- Eagle Eye Cherry

6. Flying High ---- Jem

7.Gold Lion ---The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

8.Around the World -- ATC (A Touch of Class)
9.Crazy Love ---Van Morrison
10. Everthing'll be Alright ---Josh Radin
11. What a Wonderful World --- Sam Cooke
12. The Show Goes On --- Lupe Fiasco
13. That's All She Wrote-- T.I Ft Eminem


I am sure I will edit and add to this list as summer gets closer.

Long drive

Today  has been one of those weird days where the world has narrowed, and come into focus.  It started with my roommate knocking on my door and asking, "do you want to take a ride". I said I did, and we went for a drive through the winding dark corners of the pacific northwest. It is oddly beautiful to just drive, to just disappear, and let the world with all of its burdens go. I don't know how to quite say exactly what it is that happens on these drives, its like being disconnected and connected all at the same time. One thing flows into another, and flows out.

My roommate drove a little, and then I drove a little. I am for the most part a very cautious driver. Driving always scares me a little. Still, tonight I felt a little speed inside me, and the desire to be reckless. It was nice.  Today I am not going to work out. I am sore, and tired. Tomorrow is a new day.

Found this cd in the car...Strangely good driving music.

Such is life

60 some pages single spaced.....That is how long this blog is. It kind of blows my mind. Isn't it ironic how inevitably we live in circles, run in circles, and yet somehow never manage to get back to the same place? I don't know if this is going to make sense, but I kind of feel like I am always coming back to the place where I started, but still somehow managing to travel farther away than I could ever imagine.

You know I have a theory that we are given a set of lessons, and that if we don't learn/grow than we have to experience the same hardship over and over. For instance if a girl dates a dirtbag, chances are she is going to date another one and another one. History repeats. Running seems to best embody that concept because you do run in circles. You always end up where you started from. At the same time if you allow it to transform you, and if you allow yourself to learn then you manage to grow even though it seems like you never really truly went anywhere.... 

Feeling Good

So the sun is out, and wow it is just so beautiful. My legs are feeling great, my body is healthy and I am so looking forward to diving back into running. I am excited to get back into it!!!!!  This last month has been hard. My knees have been stiff and even running a mile became painful. It was so hard to accept my own limitations, but the knees are both feeling good and I am so looking forward to stretching them out.

Also, and I guess this is what is most important. I learned that the distance should come first, not the speed. I also learned that I really need to try and stay off the pavement.  Finally, I learned that I definitely need to find a treadmill. If I had treadmill in my home it would be so much easier to up my miles. So I am scouring craigslist for a treadmill.

Ok so life is good, the sun is shining, and my legs are feeling great. Time to get back into it, and to rededicate myself. Funny enough, this month also marks my 1 year anniversary as a 24 hour fitness member... I think that is pretty exciting that I have been able to workout consistently for a whole year. Here is to another year and a lifetime of physical fitness.

Cheers!!!

I wish you could hear the rain

I wish you could hear the rain in the northwest at night. There really is nothing quite like the sound of rain on your roof as you go to sleep. It is kind of like being out at sea, and hearing the ocean breathe beneath you. I think that I will miss the rain when it is gone in the summer months. Maybe not the grey that it brings, but the sound it makes at night when I am trying to sleep. I think that the rain makes me a little crazy sometimes.  It gives me strange dreams. I guess when you are curled safe in your warm bed, while outside it is raining you feel grateful for your little spot of peace. It may sound strange but the rain here makes me feel safe, and protected. I feel sheltered, warm and surrounded with comfort. Strange right.....

Sorry about the hiatus.

Wow....sorry about the hiatus.

I guess I am experiencing a workout identity crisis, and this really is the origin of  my silence. I am slowly beginning to get back into running. And hoping to do so in way that won't re-injure my body.  I don't know what to say, its not my heart, its not my lungs, my limitations lie simply in my joints.  Its kind of depressing.  Still Denise promises me if I go slow, if I am patient, if I don't do too much too soon. If I find some consistency, than I will be able to run distance most only dream of.....

Hitting these limitations has really made me take a step backwards and ask myself why it is I am doing this to my body. Is running really good for it? Ultimately I think so. At the end of the day I feel an emotional freedom when I am running, that I don't get from anywhere else. I guess I just want to see how far I can go and how good I can get. I want to do more races, and I want to improve my times. Still I have other goals, for instance I really want to improve my muscle tone, especially in my midsection around my hips.  I don't know I want to be toned, and fit. I want to be able to wear a bikini and for people to see how good a shape I am in. Although, maybe part of my problem is I am Pacific Northwest white. You know I have the Oregon skin that doesn't see sunlight 9 months out of the year.

I mean gripe of the week..........It is so unfair that some girls who are in horrible shape, can get in a bathing suit and look like they are in great shape, but can't even run a mile. I mean that is my vanity goal, to look as good in the mirror as my body feels and is on the inside. 

Back to it!!!!!

Tonight was the second night back in the exercise saddle.  Sure feels good!!!! I am a little frustrated with my knees, but hey what are you going to do? The good news is that I went an hour and ten minutes on the elliptical and didn't feel any pain at all.  This is kind of strange because yesterday I did a little treadmill program for 30 minutes, which can be seen on my attackpoint training log here that wasn't straight running, but left my knee feeling sore. However an hour on the elliptical didn't strain my knee at all.  I guess I am just struggling to find some way to get my running training in while not re-injuring my knee. However, the elliptical left me unsatisfied. I mean I like to get dirty and sweaty. If I am not covered in sweat after a workout I feel like a failure. It wasn't until I got in the pool that I was able to feel like I was working out.

The real question is, when my knee is healed, how do I prevent coming right back here? How do I go forward without taking what feels like 7 steps back? 

What I know to be true.

There is very little I know to be true and the older I get the more true this sentiment becomes. Perhaps someday I will evolve into one of those people that believes in nothing.  First and foremost I believe that my innate self, the self that I am without apology, must live creatively. No matter what else, no matter where I go, or who I love, there must be creativity in my life. Without it I begin to feel lost.  I think that is what drives me to this blog day in and day out. This blog partially satisfies/feeds my creative self.  I believe that this journaling is really just a precursor to writing, or perhaps the foundation to writing more.  I think in the next couple of days I will print out my blog in its entirety, post by post, and begin to edit it. Maybe it is premature, this year of running has had several false starts, and more road blocks/ injuries than I anticipated. But....I am hoping that I will see a creative formation in this psycho babble, something concrete, perhaps a place to begin to really write from.

In other news, Greg leaves tomorrow, and so I am excited to get back to some exercise but sad to see him go. It has been really tough having to balance, exercise, diet, and Greg. In some ways I failed. I don't know how to explain it. I just couldn't leave him to go workout. We have been apart for 8 months, and even now I know that he might not come home. War is dangerous, and this second deployment feels like a tempting of fate. Sometimes it felt impossible to crawl out of bed to go for a run, or a swim. Truthfully, when I did swim, or exercise, I felt weighed down by guilt.  How could I leave him, even while he was sleeping. I don't really know how to wrap my head around what happened these last two weeks, or really comprehend the dynamic of our partnership and the implications that this dynamic might have for my health.  Maybe the lesson here is that I shouldn't be hard on myself and celebrate the time we had together. Does any of this make sense?

So tomorrow, I will begin again. :)


Pics from  our adventures.