Happiness

Kissing my mother in 2008

Happiness is a flat dirt road that stretches into the rolling eastern oregon hills. It is a pair of running shoes that have about 100 miles on them with 250 more to go. Happiness is being able to wake up in the arms of the one you love and not having to actually get up. It is having a running partner, and not a running nemesis. Well I guess  sometimes they are the same thing. Happiness is fickle, it is always changing. When I think about those moments where I have been most happy, they are usually quite moments. Little epiphanies that wash over me and then are gone.  They are moments where I realize how lucky I am. Isn't ironic that unhappy moments usually involve someone giving something negative too much power, and not empowering the positive.

What is happiness? What is love? What is sadness? What is perfect? What is success? What is family? What is life? What is good? These are all things that i am constantly thinking about.

Sometimes I worry that if i were to disappear, if I were to end, that the people I care about the most wouldn't know how much I love them, how much I would give to make everything alright for them. I don't know there are just some days where life feels so short.  I think I have been very lucky in my friends, my teachers, my lovers, and everyone in between.  I just worry that they don't see themselves the way I do.  I mean of course they don't, but it just seems sometimes like I draw people to me that don't realize their own beauty/ their own power. Sometimes I think that being happy involves realizing your own worth. Most of the people around me take themselves for granite because they are so busy giving and giving.

Where I am going with this I don't know......To the gym I guess...where it all is more clear.